Math Shaming

Oh my god, I really did not learn math.  I was given a 5th grade math homework paper to review this morning at 8:37 AM that had two, count them, TWO, problems on the page.  All having to do with decimal places. I read the problems through twice and deep in my brain I felt a rumble of recognition.  Unfortunately, no pertinent information surfaced.  I sent the child upstairs to “get another pencil” to buy myself some time to not look like an imbecile.  It wasn’t enough.  She came back as I was madly slapping buttons on a calculator to no avail.  She asked what I was doing.  “Oh, I’m just checking some bank statement numbers,” I replied.  

I don’t think she bought it. I started to sweat. Has 5th grade math changed?  Do I have dementia?  Probably yes to both. To make matters worse, the child’s math teacher was also MY teacher.  I cannot allow this wonderful teacher confirmation that I am indeed a moron.

In desperation, I texted the Hot Urologist.  I got a crying laughing emoji in return with zero math help.  He will pay for this.  Next time he asks for my English grammar assistance, I’ll let him end a sentence with a preposition and he can look like a fool.  

I texted an accountant friend and received the answer accompanied by this:

Always fun to be shamed via cartoon.

Look, I am a creative and this exempts me from AP Calculus and all decimal work.  Plus I did not pay attention to Mrs. Saunders in the sixth grade. I spent my afternoon homework time engrossed in TEEN magazine and You Can’t Do That On Television. I blithely passed on all math activities. At twelve years old, I would have wagered that curling iron techniques for permed bangs would be of greater future use than math. This was shortsighted.

I don’t think I can escape this child coming to the realization that I lack crucial intelligence.  I just sent her to the garage for notebook paper from an art box that doesn’t exist.  But let’s face it, if I sent her to the moon, I might not finish this 5th grade math assignment.

I am gonna take a break, lock myself in our pantry, and pour my emotions into a half eaten chocolate bunny.  I don’t believe in homeschooling.  I do, however, believe that teachers should each be paid 1 billion dollars per year.  Because that’s exactly how much hard cash I will need to undertake 5th grade math again tomorrow.