Assault With A Deadly Stick
Before you take off with the idea that I am an old-fashioned bore, let me reassure you that I am totes MODERN. Au currant, hip to the times, cutting-edge...tous sont moi! I accept wearing white after Labor Day; I know who Fetty Wap is; I have come round to the idea that sweatpants can be classified as clothing; I have been to restaurants that serve wine in plastic glasses. I can even tolerate men wearing hats indoors. Ok, that last one is a lie. But I am cool yo! I am friggin' cool AF. Right up until the moment when you whip out a plastic stick, attach it to your phone, and begin to take your own photo.
Not cool. W T F ?
The selfie stick is a giant turd of an invention. Is that crass? Certainly. Guess what, so is giving yourself a public photo shoot with a baton. The selfie stick is the current scourge of global travel and I, for one, am not amused.
I jetted off to celebrate the New Year in Paris with friends and one afternoon we ventured into the Louvre. It is difficult to properly paint the picture of the frenzy that ensued.
A flash mob of morons armed with baseball hats, backpacks, and phones-on-a-stick assaulted each other en masse in a bid to capture images of themselves standing in front of centuries-old art. It was like a battle scene from the Revolutionary War, the bayonets being replaced with Made In China crap wands.
As we approached the Mona Lisa, I prepared for death. The wild throngs thrust their selfie sticks high. And low. And into the ribs and faces of their fellow man. They angled. They posed. They impaled. It was ugly.
It was also dangerous, absurd, and quite annoying for those of us who dream of living in an imbecile-free world. I think that the Louvre has now issued a moratorium on stick usage in the museum. Bravo to that. Next, perhaps we can tackle men in tank tops.
Selfies are totes lame. But if you must take a selfie, at least aim for an entertaining level of stupidity. Put an undergarment on your head and do some modeling.
Or go to a hair salon and request a perm.
But whatever you do, ix-nay the flipping sticks.
In a summing up of the great unwashed, I believe Morgan Freeman put it best...
"There they are. It's just two grown ass men, taking pictures of themselves on a fucking stick."
