The Wedding Chronicles: The Bridesmaid Pickle
I just read an article entitled, “21 Ways to Propose to Your Bridesmaids.”
I’m sorry, what?
You are now required to propose to your bridesmaids? This makes me hate everyone and everything. Whoever thought up this little act of stupidity should be made to do hard time stacking panties in the Vickie’s Secret. I am not proposing to my bridesmaids. In fact, I have given them the axe altogether.
My tribe of gal pals married up 10-20 years ago when we were young and adorable. Now they drive the equivalent of a church van laden with children and miscellaneous sporting equipment and eat Cheetos to stay alive. They have enough to deal with, they do not need to be saddled with cheap taffeta in Big Bird yellow.
A few weeks ago, I issued my favorite people the official non invite to join my bridal parade.
You’re welcome, Peaches!
I assumed this lack of invitation would be met with sighs of great relief. I grossly miscalculated. They were not relieved. Instead, they were…how shall I put this delicately?
They were pissed.
Their anger gave way to silence and finally to plotting. I was told that I could certainly do whatever I liked with MY wedding, however, they WILL be bridesmaids. They threw down the gauntlet and threw me out of the conversation.
Here’s what I know:
The bridesmaid’s dresses most likely will be pink, though black is still under consideration
Bouquets will be dependent upon the final dress decision
They will arrive to spend the afternoon before the wedding with me (translation: They will arrive to offer unsolicited advice and commentary)
Jenni will be in charge of snacks
I did NOT propose to these nut jobs. I have not invited them to be bridesmaids because a) I was trying to cut everyone a break and b) we are too old for a wedding cast of 47. That being said, I fully expect them to show up completely coordinated en masse.
If ya’ll do this, I have only one thing to say...
Jenni, please bring pickles.